Saturday, August 17, 2013

UnderCover Liberal - Tips For Keeping Your Cover #17

So you've mastered the art of small talk with your Liberal neighbors.  You've nodded your head.  Said "Oh, I see." and "How did that make you feel?" at the appropriate times.  Followed by ,"Oh my.  There should be a law."

In fact, you've done it so well, that they decide to drop by and invite themselves over for a cup of tea, a few games of Whist and some conversation about DownTUN Abby.  (I start to think of Abby Normal and Frau Blucher)

They come in the door and see your pile of catalogs that arrived for the fall shopping season.
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You'd think your cover to be completely blown, having such publications.  Don't worry! With a little pre-planning you can avert societal disaster.

1) Northern Tool & Equipment:  This one is the easiest to explain.  Liberals want to fix everything, and this catalog has tools for just about any job around the suburbanite's home.  If they show signs of disgust, that you might actually want to do something with your hands, quickly turn to the Alternative Energy section.  Tell them you're thinking of hiring someone to put up some solar panels, or a windmill.
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2) Natchez Shooter Supplies - This one is a close call, but you have President Obama and SecState Kerry in your corner for this one.  Talk about shooting trap at the club, or that you might consider "getting me a huntin' license" like John Kerry, WhoServedInVietnam(TM).
Be sure to earmark the automatic trap page for quick access.
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3) Cigars International - Hey! It's been documented that Bill Clinton used cigars.  No word on whether he actually smokes them. For this one,explain to your neighbor that after a hard day of smashing the patriarchy and redefining trans-normative archetypes, you like to relax and celebrate by cutting the tip off of a phallic symbol or our oppression and reducing it to ash for your own enjoyment.  Or you could go with Freud..Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

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4) Brownells - This one has tools, but they're tools for guns.  This can't be left out for anyone to see or you're cooked.  You should hide between the mattresses at the earliest opportunity.  If caught in the open, deny, deny deny.  Your identity was stolen.  You have no idea how you could have ended up on the mailing list.  Claim you signed a petition to "stop gun violence" and the NRA must have taken the names from the organizers..etc.  Be creative. 
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Hopefully with these handy tips you can keep your cover deep in blue country, and remember "Never Let 'Em See You Think(TM)."


  1. OMG> I snorted and laughed out loud...a lot. You would so make a great secret agent.

    My real question is...did you actually subscribe to these reads or were on a "hit" mailing list?

    I love the name Fargo, btw. It's catchy. LOL

    1. I've ordered from all of these companies. The Northern Tool one comes hardbound each year. I die a little bit inside when I have to throw the old one out, but there is only so much space on the garage bookshelf.

    2. Northern Tool is da bomb. Been a fan and buyer since the 80s. Good company.

  2. naw tell them you are into jewlery making and brownells has the best brown and blue patinas for use on silver..... I know because my Daughter had me order from them for her. :)